Friday, July 15, 2011

Hello Cthulhu

For too long I have been a on the sidelines aiding in the fight against the monstrosities that the idiots of the internet create. It is time for me to take this fight head on, just like my brothers in arms Kris and Karl. However the question soon arose "Where do I start?" My question was soon silenced when I had a small passing conversation with Kris. He showed me a web comic that was so stupid, it made me dumber just for knowing it's existence. I told Kris "I can't wait until you write a review about this!" however, this is one comic even the great Kristopher Skallagrimsson would not undertake. The same Kristopher Skallagrimsson who saw a furry fuck his sister!

If there is one thing I must say about Kristopher Skallagrimsson, it's that he may just be the bravest soul anyone may ever have the pleasure of meeting, but I on the other hand, might just be the craziest mother fucker anyone may have the displeasure of meeting! Don't believe me? Well I read ALL of Jay Naylor's rendition of Little Red Riding Hood, and let me tell you…I will never be hard again...

Now, Kris didn't want to write a review about this comic for a different reason than what one might think. He thought that there wasn't really anything to make fun of. Hello Cthulhu is best described as the Seinfeld of web comics. It's a web comic…about absolutely fucking nothing! Hello Cthulhu was made by a guy named Devon "FrogPlague" Tackett, which is the DUMBEST nickname I have EVER heard! Not only is this guy so fucking stupid he can't come up with his own characters, he can't even explain how the fuck they met in the god damn first place! I mean this asshole is practically Chris Chan! Let's compare the two.

-They both took copyrighted characters (and completely shit on their lives).

-They both wrote god awful stories with no point to them what so ever.

-They both don't have the mental capacity to function on their own.

-They both get more than generous amounts of sex from the vacuum cleaner.

-They both made my list of people to make me feel better about getting C's in school.

At least Chris Chan has the excuse of Autism, Devon! What the hell is your excuse for this shit?! One of the things that pisses me off the most about this comic is that you have to look for plot harder than SEAL Team 6 did for Osama. I mean, the first major plot point (and I use the term major loosely) is Hello Kitty ties ribbons to Cthulhu's tentacles…thats it. God damn ribbons. Devon I've always wondered how people who have literal shit for brains function in our society, and now I have the answer thanks to you. They write web comics! Besides the random introduction of characters no plot points come up for another 29 pages! 29 god damn, mother fuckin', god forsaken pages. 29 pages of the dumbest shit you will ever read to get to the most aggravating, retarded, excuse for a plot point I have ever been forced to witness. The whole gaggle of Copyrighted H.P, Lovecraft characters, and Copyrighted Sanrio characters believes that Cthulhu is in love with Hello Kitty. Now I'm not sure how many people reading this are fans of the great H.P. Lovecraft, but let me tell you this…I know that deep down in his racist, depressed, and poverty stricken heart, that given the chance, he would murder this fucking idiot.

I think now would be as good of time as any to mention that the art. I mean comics like "Better Days" and "Subnormality" at least have some redeeming quality in the art work. This fucking comic looks like some 5 year old just found out about ms paint! Jesus fucking christ, look at this shit! This is what happens when you don't hit your kids! If there is one thing Devon Tackett needs more than sex with a real woman, it's a good ass whooping. Remember kids, the more daddy hurts you, the more he loves you.

To top it all off the thing that pisses me off the most about this shit is the small print at the bottom of every page. It reads "All images, story, and many characters © 2002-2006 Devon "FrogPlague" Tackett" now why in the fuck would you need to copyright this dumbshit? What the fuck are you afraid of? Is it possible you don't want people making a shitty web comic about your shitty web comic? In any case you have to be like 8th generation imbrued to come up with something this fucking stupid!

However, I could be wrong. Perhaps Devon Tackett is more of a fan to H.P. Lovecraft than I will ever be. Who else could make something so horrifically painful to look at, that it makes curb stomping look like tickling? I have seen few things in this world that make me more terrified than this.

Rest assured that tonight you may all sleep soundly knowing that yet another web comic has been slain. While you rest your heads, we will be ever so vigilant as to make sure none of you will ever have to face the horrors of such web comics like Hello Cthulhu.