Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The PowerPuff Girls Doujinshi

Remember that time you first learned about Peanut Butter Cups? How it combined the best parts of a peanut butter sandwich with none of the shitty bits? Of course you don’t, you were too busy eating your goddamn peanut butter cup to care.

But the times have changed, and you’re too busy popping Xanax and pretending to work to eat peanut butter all day. Some people didn’t get the memo though, and instead of moving on they take it to a dangerous extreme.

"Well, sitting on chairs is comfortable... I bet if I sat on TWO CHAIRS AT THE SAME TIME IT WOULD BE EXTRA COMFORTABLE."

Only unlike chairs, a certain artist has decided to focus on the things in everyday life that make us uncomfortable. Then he melded them into a hodgepodge of uncomfortability, that you could have sworn the chair you were sitting on was accidentally your niece's face... coincidentally enough, that's exactly what our lucky contestant also fantasizes about.

Because today, and for the next few days, we’ll be discussing Bleedman, the creator of skin crawlers enjoyed by thirteen year old girls and thirty year old men worldwide.

Let’s start with the comic that made him as big as he is now, the PowerPuff Girls Doujinshi.

The entire comic starts with the Powerpuff girls, a trio of super powered preschoolers, apparently being aged up into Elementary (that is built and operated like a high school) School and moving away from a town that literally can’t survive without them for more than a few days.

A town populated entirely by other characters you probably remember, each one clearly begging for death in every panel. This being the main “pull” of the comic: Every single Mid 90’s to Early 00’s cartoon character appears, no matter how contrived or nonsensical it is for them to be there.

For example: A samurai warrior launched from feudal Japan into the far offfuture, sworn to beat a demon ruling over mankind? Nope, he’s the gym teacher.

Cartoons usually expect you to not question certain things, it’s true: Don’t ask why nobody freaks out at talking dogs, don’t question why twelve year olds can make robots and shit, and you don’t ask where all the secret agents and mad scientists get funding.

Of course, this comic raises so many questions you can’t help but call bullshit. If every other person has powers, why don’t they believe the girls when they say they do? If the Men In Black exist, why are they letting a genocidal alienwalk around? Most importantly though:

Who the fuck is making sure everyone doesn’t DIE if every superhero is currently in one class? Most of these shows got popular with them fighting monsters or criminals or protecting the universe from a specific location. Since they all apparently moved I guess everywhere outside Megaville is one giant smoldering ruin?

It’s the kind of bad logic you expect from some crayon colored deviantart comic, but I suppose not being that is the one good thing you could say about this comic: It’s got a decent art style. Which would be ok if wasn’t used to show small girls in smaller skirts. Seriously. He loves them so much he redraws teenagers as little girls and invents his own characters for it. I can’toverstate this.

Speaking of inventing his own characters, you’d think a story crammed with about 50 different plotlines from every other show would be too busy for its own characters. You would be wrong.

Meet Bell; now meet every other OC Bleedman has made.

They are the central villains, because mutant animals, invincible demons, alien overlords, the concept of death itself, and the inevitable decay of the universe itself are apparently lame antagonists.

Honestly I feel like I’m wasting words at this point. Between the over-sexualization of small girls, bland original characters, ignoring of original plot lines, and the horrible space alien in a maid costume, the only real thing you can’t say sucks is the art, which is if nothing else distinctive from all the other genetic poorly thought out deviantart crossovers.

I’d like to talk about Bleedman himself, but the man isn’t so much an obnoxious bastard like Jay Naylor of Dave Hopkins as he is just kinda creepy. He likes little girls and that’s it. But Jesus Christ does he love underage girls.

But hey, this is just part one. Next week, we’ll review his *really* bad comic...