Sunday, April 10, 2011

Moon over June

  
     Warning, this comic is very NSFW, unless you work someplace that allows for the viewing of poorly-drawn tits, pussy, and ass, in which case, you're probably Wocgirl and should stop reading now before your feelings get hurt.

     Raised as a Turkish man, I have had plenty of horrible experiences involving sex and sexuality. We Turks are taught to revile ourselves, and place family above all else. As a result, it makes for a fucked-up sex life. When I was at the dinner table, my aunt once called me sexy, and no one in the vicinity had a problem with that. However, one thing that never happened was me getting revenge against my family and the opposite sex by doing gay porn or fingering all the boys at my Catholic school.

     What's that? 'That sounds vile!' you say? Well, if you're one of the many readers of my blog *and* the "pornographic" webcomic "Moon over June," I have some bad news, you're a sexist! Of course, if you read "Moon over June," you probably wouldn't consider that a bad thing.

     For those of you who like pornographic comics, you'll find 'Wocgirl' has paid homage to pornography in the same way your body creates a bowel movement to pay homage to food. What tries to be a fusion between hentai and the "two roommates genre" of comedy  fails at everything it does, disappoints both its parents, curses the world in which it lives, and finally hangs itself before receiving a small funeral with an unmarked grave underneath its father's mausoleum.

     The actual comic itself begins introducing its characters not in the way a traditional story might. Wocgirl instead chooses to set the tone with this story by giving us not one... not two... but 23 pages of exposition! Yes, twenty-three. I wish that was a fucking typo. A bit of advice: a story shouldn't stop dead in its tracks just to reveal something about its characters. Things about the character should be revealed as the plot goes along, especially if it's something as frivolous as what kind of car they drive. If Wocgirl wrote the original Star Wars trilogy, the first movie would be entirely about Luke's landspeeder, clothes, and favorite foods, and the other two movies would be him freaking out to Han about how he kissed his sister and liked it. Oh, and they would be lesbians. And everyone would be fisting each other.

     Even if you can't get past the unbelievably tedious and ultimately irrelevant introduction saga, you'll learn the author hasn't placed a self-insert character in the story. Instead, there's two. The first is self-loathing Japanese porn star, Hatsuki who is a lesbian, and the other, Summer is an Irish-Catholic gynecologist from Boston, who is also a lesbian. There, I have saved you the trouble of reading this atrocious comic. I have literally explained everything you need to know about the plot, premise, and characters. Now, I realize I may have skipped over the conflict in this story... just kidding! There is no conflict, not in Wocgirl's land of wondrous, promiscuous sex, where people flip a double-headed coin to choose whether or not to have sex, and the majority of people who treat women like objects are other women. Also, "Summer Winters" is the dumbest name ever.

     Aside from that, there is nothing redeeming about either of these characters. Hatsuki hates her wicked parents for pronouncing her name wrong, and Summer's misandry goes as far as an intense loathing of her boss who constantly showers her with kindness. Summer's hatred of men stems from when, her father and brothers did... something to make her hate them, and Hatsuki hates anything Japanese, yet still finds herself drawn to Japanese things. Wocgirl is the closest you will ever get to finding a weeaboo who admits they don't know much about Japan. Did I mention both characters are lesbians?

     Let's discuss the art. From what I can tell, 'Wocgirl' knows as much about anatomy as Ed Gein, as every single person in her comic looks like the result of body parts being sewn together to make an entity fit for a CSI's nightmares. She also loves the ladies. Check out these hotties! Also, I assume 'Wocgirl' doesn't get out much, as she seems to only be able to competently draw white people. Any attempt at her drawing Hatsuki looking forward just makes her look cross-eyed.

     The preceding analogy can also be applied to people's personalities in this comic, as it appears our two lovely flagship ladies seem to possess such a divine beauty that they have become sex symbols to just about everyone in this comic's universe.

     What's that, you cry? 'It's just porn!' you cry? 'Who cares about the story?' you cry? 'The author,' I cry.

     If the author doesn't care about character development or story, then why does she take great lengths to painstakingly drive home each and every unimportant tidbit for her ideal life? If she truly has no interest in telling a story, why even bring up the subplots of the characters having children? As an excuse for her to draw pregger porn? Oh... oh...

     Speaking of her characters not having any depth, you could also interpret that literally, as the lack of any real depth perception makes all of her characters look like paper dolls; horrifying, slightly racist paper dolls.

     With all these things going for it, I believe "Moon over June" is a bad webcomic. Unfortunately, it's not so bad it's good, and it's not so bad it's the worst. It's merely a mediocre bad webcomic with a crappy story, crappy characters, crappy writing, and an otherwise awesome premise that totally emits a vibe of wish fulfillment.

     I think that about wraps it up. Before I sign off, I do want to make several personal attacks on Wocgirl's character so she can glean every other part of criticism in this review and fool herself into thinking the problem I have is with her and not her writing:

     Things could be worse. Wocgirl could be given some sort of credibility, luckily that will never happen because nobody knows what she looks like; not even her parents. Her cells have been genetically engineered to not reflect light, for if they did, anyone who would gaze upon her would have her image so horrifically burned into their memory, that as a mental defense, their brain would repress the image to transcend space and time into the memory of all their ancestors who would then inherit that fear of sex and stop mating altogether, and who knows what kind of havoc that could wreak upon the timeline?!

     Wocgirl's venereal diseases are so plentiful, they are simply known as "diseases." Fire would be a preferable companion to Wocgirl. I'm certain my own burning flesh would smell much better than anything in her vicinity. Wocgirl has left so much pubic hair on everything in her home, that when she needs pest control, she calls an STD clinic.

     "Moon over June" is a Lovecraftian tome of webcomics, and not in the awesome sense where it exchanges infernal wisdom for your sanity, but that it regularly hungers for a sacrifice of 10 foreskins every new moon. And when its followers fail to deliver that sacrifice? Well... let's just say there's a reason Wocgirl had to change her online handle and shave all her body hair.
  
     "Moon over June" is what happens when a Mary Sue walks into an adult video store. Her head is still full of shit, only now she's sticky.

What does "Moon over June" and a Def Leppard drum solo have in common?

They're both done one-handed.



-Kris

2 comments:

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  2. My dick will NEVER be hard again...EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

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